Autism

i struggled for a long time and wasn't sure how to handle the idea of kienan being diagnosed with autism a little over 3 years ago. i remember swallowing the lump in my throat as the lady revealed what i already knew in my own heart to be true. kyle was not able to be with me at the appointment. i remember feeling super lost and almost in a panic to read and find out as much as i could about autism. We went to a support group meeting the next week which reassured me that we weren't alone although i remember that i just wanted to keep it all to myself. Fortunately, being in the world of education i had some resources and some experience dealing with special needs kids. BUT, not a 2 year old with special needs. i talked to people, i read the scary stuff online and i began to tap into my own creative teacher mode.

Before all this happened i taught at a school that only used hands on learning. There were no textbooks and no worksheets. Just lots and lots of hands on experiences. i truly believe this was a time in my life to prepare me for kienan, to prepare me for the journey of motherhood.

At home i did all i could to bring everything to life. Kienan also started in home speech therapy twice a week with an AMAZING speech therapist. It was then that he never had said "mama" or "dada". He said "beh" for everything. He loved to line up his little hot wheels in various places of our little house. He never actually played with them, just lined them up. He never really played with anything. He liked to study things and of course he was a spinner. He would spin ANYTHING. He would stare out the car window mesmerized by the all the wheels on the road. Sometimes he had a hard time being inside his own body. Before he could sleep at night, he would roll back and forth in his toddler bed for sometimes up to an hour. He also was very, very sensitive to sounds. I remember one time at a fast food restaurant the hum of a soda machine was bothering him while having lunch. I hadn't even heard it until kienan pointed it out. Anything loud would cause him to panic and tremble with fear. But my boy was a lover and a snuggler. He could point to objects and wave and be sociable even though it was mostly with just me. (My saddest memory was picking him up from school when he was a toddler and he would always be playing by himself and never acknowledging the other kids. I felt like he was so lonely.... ugh... brings tears to my eyes as i type). So he was diagnosed as being on the "high end" of the spectrum.

We started therapy three times a week at CSUN. What an excellent program and great people. I had issues sometimes with his student speech therapists, but we made it. He graduated from the program with words and the ability to explore toys. What a gift to hear "mama" and to hear all the great things his little mind was thinking. i think perhaps that was my favorite part. For a very long time i felt that i was missing out on part of his life because i had no idea what was going on in that little mind of his. The other magical part was hearing him say "i love you" for the first time. i remember i was on the floor in the bedroom of the guest house. He stood up walked towards me and said, " i love you." Of course time stopped and i asked him to say it again, but he had already moved onto the next thing :)

We then moved to Santa Clarita and immediately i got him into the system and he began a "Fun For Fours" program in the public school system when he was only 3 years old (it was suppose to only be for 4 year olds). Research shows that the human brain develops most during the first five years of life. I felt the race against time. I never really shared kienan's autism with anyone as i still felt that i didn't have the strength to talk about it. i also struggled with the fear of people judging him before they even had a chance to get to know him. i feel like the general population is not educated about autism and therefore people don't know how to react or what to say. He was my precious son and i wanted to protect him from false judgements. We both learned so much about him that year of preschool and i began to see him blossom. He is a sponge, my son. He absorbs it all.

Kienan showed such great progress that it was difficult for him to qualify for services this past year. But i pushed for him to have one more year as i was racing time; his 5th birthday. With the support of a great lady she too supported my efforts and was able to get him one more year of services. This past year he once again attended another "Fun For Fours" program (now 4 years old). It was this year that he really matured socially. He made friends and played and created and grew.

What brings me to writing this post is that we just had his annual IEP. This is the meeting that determines if he has met his educational, social, developmental, etc.. goals over the past school year. They observed him in the classroom, gave him a variety of tests, and interviewed me. There were seven of us in the meeting including myself. Of course i listened to what they all had to say about their results, but for a brief moment i drifted into my own thoughts and realized i had been on this journey on my own. i realized that i could have asked for more emotional support, but i felt that i had to maintain strength for kienan. i realized that i could have asked for physical support when needing some of my own time-outs, but i felt that i had to be by kienan's side 100% of the time. i realized that i could have asked a few more questions, but for some reason i wanted kienan to think that i had all his answers. The worst part was that because i chose not to share this journey, i had very few people to share the miraculous news about his IEP. It was determined that kienan no longer shows any signs of autism!!!!! Once again i swallowed the lump in my throat as the words fell from the school psychologist's mouth. As a mother of an autistic child those words almost seem impossible to hear as there is no "cure" for autism. Of course i feel a relief for kienan that he will mainstream into a regular kindergarten next year. At the same time i almost have a feeling of guilt that my son came out ok and many others won't. So as i do with ALL incidences and experiences in my life i seek the purpose. I'm still not quite sure what my purpose in all of this was or is, but part of me feels the need to share our story to make others aware. Aware that autism is on the rise. Aware of the signs at an early age. Aware that early intervention is a MUST! Aware that everyone has a story.

And i would go through the past 5 years all over again with him because it made him who is he right now..... today.... he is one of my favorite people to be around. i get excited when he gets excited and i can't wait to share with him the new things that i learn. i am amazed at his imagination and creativity. i giggle when i find his dirty socks stashed behind a picture frame or the elaborate stories he tells. i feel warm when he hugs me and cry when he is sad. my life is meant to have him in it.

i hope that my insecurities and fears and pride no longer shelter my children to the point of others missing out on their greatness. Because.... they are really great!

As i tell kienan at night before he falls asleep, "i am so so very proud that God chose me to be your mommy. How lucky i am that he picked you for me." .... of course, i tell my girls the same ;)