Patience

There is not a whole lot to this story. It is pretty simple....

My patience ran out the other day. I saw her. She ran right out the front door around 5:30pm. I am pretty sure the whole thing was premeditated. Earlier in the day I kinda had noticed a suitcase by the front door, but i didn't really pay that much attention.

It was her suitcase, Patience that is. She was packed and ready to go.

Can't blame her.

I had been working her 24/7 with no smoke breaks or lunch breaks. She had asked several times to just let the kids go hog wild and take a breather.

I demanded that she stay on top of things.

Funny thing is... after she bailed on me i was faced with 2 choices:

Yell and have a meltdown or let the kids go hog wild.

Yep. Hog wild and Butt Naked.

I sent her an email today begging for forgiveness and offered a her new and improved contract.

Baths each night, glass of wine every now and then, and Hog wild parties.

She responded.

Apparently, Tolerance was hiding in her getaway suitcase.

I hadn't even noticed that i had lost Tolerance.

They were enjoying "The Life" and weren't sure if they wanted to come back to our home.

i reminded her and Tolerance of how sometimes the giggles filled our house and what a baby kiss felt like and a monkey hug too and how the smell of peanut butter meant there was a kid near by and innocence is most pure in a child and how they strive to please sometimes and all the creative. messy, imaginative things we accomplished each day.

She listened.

She cried.

She wanted to come back.

I guess they made it all the way to Canada. It's gunna take a few days before they're back.

So..... I'm eagerly waiting by my front door with three little ones all in my lap.

Family News

Here is our newest edition, Tommy hanging with his brother, Toby. Toby was hanging with us until the kittens were 8 weeks old. He is off to his new home, my brothers' house :) Kienan came up with the name Tommy. Since we have a mice problem in our backyard he figured we already have the "Jerrys" so now we have "Tom" like Tom and Jerry :)

Can you tell that Kyle insisted "No CATS!" for the first week before we convinced him to let us keep Tommy?

tough guy cuddled on the couch with the kittens~

We mustn't forget the first born children of the family. They are very curious about the kitties, still love their treats, and attempt to escape every now and then.

Josh earned Student of the Month in his school!!!! The program through is Character Counts. His Video teacher nominated him and he was chosen amongst 10 other students. We celebrated with a family dinner at Islands. He also had a 4.0 on his last report card. He had all A's and 1 B, but the B was in an Honors class so it counts extra. Check out his video website as he is adding new ones all the time.

Kiera is busy as ever keeping up with her older brother and sister. It is amazing how much she understands what we say. Her words are still "mama" and "dada". She's a dancer, an entertainer, and still a snuggle bug :) She mimics all of us in everything we do. No room for error i tell ya.

Kienan brought home 3 papers this week with 100%. He is doing so well in school academically! We are signing him up for flag football starting in January. He has more energy than the energizer bunny times 10. He is an avid skateboarder, reader, and loves to antagonize his sister :)

This series of picture really warms my heart. He recently told kyle and i that he has a hard time making friends during recess. Broke my heart and of course brought me to tears. I just can't understand how the whole world wouldn't want to be his friend. He has so mush to offer and i'm praying that everyone can see it too so he doesn't feel so sad at school, but rather shares this smile.

Mackenzie seems to have grown up so quickly all of the sudden. I hate that. She went from toddler to big girl way too fast. My parents gave her ballet lessons for her birthday so we will be starting those soon. She is very fond of being fancy these days. I believe she has worn more make-up in the past month than i have in the past 5 years.

Good to have a girl in the house :)The picture below was such a proud mommy moment. it just seemed that the girls room was getting out of control with their clothes and i was trying to weed out the summer clothes and their room look like a tornado, hurricane, and earthquake hit all in 2 seconds.

Poor daughter of mine just wanted to rest her tired self. So she found the only cleared spot in probably the house that day and curled up as tight as she could. i found her fast asleep not even covered up with one of the million blankets we have. Nope. A pillow times three. She stacked them to make her half naked body warm. This is proof of how crazy our world gets sometimes. i feel bad that she didn't have a nice cozy bed to lay her head down, but at the same time i feel like this picture captures the unspoken truth of parenting at times.and here i am. UGH! done with the whole knee-in-brace look. Yep. Just Done.

Surrounded by AMAZING People

So the ear tube surgery went GREAT! It was quick and pretty much painless. The nurses and doctors were amazed how she NEVER cried once, not even when daddy left the room before surgery. They were also surprised how she woke up immediately after the procedure. They kept saying that it didn't even seem like she had surgery. I am very happy that she will be able to endure winter EAR PAIN FREE! I also feel relieved that her body will not have to ingest all of those antibiotics for such a long period of time. And, the BEST part is her world won't sound so muffled anymore! So my Mackenzie is amazing for her COURAGE and BRAVERY!!! She's already dressing up like a princess after her special chocolate shake :)

Kiera's had her 1 year well check last week. I was encouraged by her pediatrician to really get her to cry herself back to sleep during the night as she STILL WAKES UP EVERY 3 HOURS!!!!!!! She really only nurses once a night, but other than that she just wakes up to wake up. It doesn't bother me so much as i have been doing for 13 months and my body is just used to the schedule. But i decided to follow her advice. Last night at bedtime i stood by her crib as she screamed and cried and cried and screamed because i was not rocking her to sleep. i thought i was giving some awesome moral support as i hadn't left the bedroom yet. BUT, after 30 minutes of her screaming and crying and crying and screaming i decided to walk out of her bedroom for 5 minutes and return to encourage her to lay down in the crib again. She wasn't having it.... continued to scream and cry and cry and scream. So i walked out again giving her a chance to lay down on her own.... oh no.... she wanted her mommy. as i waited in the other room i suddenly heard a loud THUD!!! Simultaneously, kyle was installing a new shower head so i thought he had dropped his tool bag or something.... WRONG!!!! Little miss kiera, 13 month old little miss kiera, CLIMBED OUT OF HER CRIB AND LANDED ON THE WOOD FLOOR!!!! She walked out of her bedroom still crying insisting that i rock her to sleep. SHE WON! I felt sooo bad that i had rushed the process weaning her at bedtime and maybe my little baby still needs her mommy to rock her to sleep :) so i will! My Kiera June is amazing for her PASSION AND DETERMINATION!!!!

Kienan is doing SUPER in school. He was the first one in his class to start the reading program with BOB books. He is already on his 3rd book and keeps saying, "These are so easy i can read it with my eyes closed." As a teacher THIS IS AWESOME! As a mother I AM VERY PROUD! But as a lover of books I AM EXCITED as what the love of reading will bring to his world and hopefully enhance his life. So the other night i caught him under his sheet with a flashlight and a book. CLASSIC! My son is amazing for his INTELLIGENCE and CURIOSITY about the world!!!!!!

Josh has done it AGAIN! His video assignment was to create a music video. He produced and filmed it. There is some trick stuff in there plus he drew that picture of the singer BY HAND! That is his best friend, Kyle, singing who has a real band. But they lip-synced this song. I am amazed by josh's CREATIVITY and MATURITY that i have seen in the past couple of months!! Check it out!!!! : www.vimeo.com/1989993

I don't post much about my dear husband and i guess that is because he is not growing and developing quite like the littler people of the house... but he has been AMAZING lately. First, i want to acknowledge that we have now BEEN IN BUSINESS FOR 2 YEARS AS OF OCTOBER 1ST! What an experience to work as partners for these past couple of years! Our marriage has benefited by using this opportunity to get to know each other on a completely different level. The biggest struggle and challenge has been separating work from home life; being "Business Partners" one minute, "Parents" another minute and "Husband/Wife" even another minute. But here we are still moving forward. his PERSISTENCE is amazing! Second, he treated me to a saturday of sleeping in, a 1 hour facial and a 1 hour massage!!!!! WOW!!! That's a first and i loved it! So he is amazing for his THOUGHTFULNESS! And thirdly, he has been helping with the cooking, cleaning the house (bathrooms!) and taking on more of the parenting duties. For this i really appreciate his efforts. I am amazed at his role as a DEDICATED FATHER and THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND!!!!! Oh ya and i'm glad he's tapping into his INNER CHILD a bit more! :) i love you.

The Cost Of Raising My Children

Something absolutely positive for a change. I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way.

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.It translates into:$8,896.66 a year,$741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't havechildren if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

* Glimpses of God every day.

* Giggles under the covers every night.

* More love than your heart can hold.

* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.

* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

* Someone to laugh yourself silly with.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to:* finger-paint* carve pumpkins* play hide-and-seek* catch lightning bugs, and* never stop believing in the tooth fairy.
You have an excuse to:* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh* watch Saturday morning cartoons* go to Disney movies, and* wish on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for:* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,* taking the training wheels off a bike,* removing a splinter,* filling a wading pool,* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, firstword, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice,communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits.

So that one day they, like you, will love without counting the cost.
That is quite a deal for the price!

I'm the lucky one

I'M SERIOUSLY SO BLESSED.

I LOVE YOOU GUYS!!!

XOXOXOXOXOX

Master Bedroom Facelift (so excited!)

Rustic, Romantic Master Bedroom Getaway for Mommy & Daddy

xoxo

New Paint: $200

New Bedding: $100

New Curtains & Rods: $150

New candle to match & set the mood: $10

Waking up in the middle of the night

with our 3 kids between us: PRICELESS!

One of my favorites...

On Being MoM

by Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations -what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2. When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow.

I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, "Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame." The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleep over. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.

The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were...

Just rambling about everything

Sometimes i feel like i am the ring master of a circus... and sometimes i really need a smoke break (i don't really smoke) or even a lunch break (i do love to eat) or perhaps there could be an intermission... ya, an intermission might work best with each circus act resting in their own corner rejuvenating for the second half of the performance... meanwhile the ring master could clean the circus tent without the littlest circus act right behind her undoing it all, and the ring master could stock the refreshment stand and it could stay stocked for more than 30 minutes so that she didn't have to go to the refreshment stand store for the 3rd time this week, and there would be no circus acts trying to announce what else needs to be done over the microphone cuz he would be in his corner, and the ring master could use the restroom and shower without an audience.... and after the 3 day intermission the ring master would say in a sweet, calm, loving voice, "Let the show go on!"

it seems that the second my house gets quiet everyone panics and (i have already left the computer twice while writing this to master the ring) feels the need to fill that quiet space with questions and yelling and singing and fighting and demands and needs and music and and and the list goes on... and of course i would rather have my tent full of circus acts rather than be alone all the time, but sometimes i just need a break... My family likes noise.

this past week our house was tormented by a 24 hour stomach flu. Exactly 24 hours of pure stomach hell... vomiting or "barthing" as kienan initially yelled standing over the toilet with residue hanging from his lips and emerging from his nose, and the other end too.... kiera started the whole fiasco and kienan ended it this morning... poor mackenzie yakked in the middle of her classroom and right in front of the school... so we spent this past week eating soups and toast.

The GREAT part of the week was FOOTBALL! Our fantasy football league started and the games were on yesterday. I love the sounds of football... really. i even wore my football jersey :)

Kyle started in an adult softball league with my brothers and some friends. it's good to be doing something as a group each week and be out in the parks. i do feel some jealousy in that i would enjoy working out too, maybe not in actual softball, but my running of course. The time shall come :) Doing family things outdoors works for now.

And teenagers, whoa teenagers are a trip. I really, truly, honestly believe that half their brain is in sleep mode at all times... i feel like we are trying to stock his toolbox so that when he sets off on his journey next year he will be well equipped with all the right tools to build a magnificent house of life over the next 5, 10, 20 years... but for some reason his toolbox keeps flopping open and all the tools keep spilling out all over the ground and then he can't find any of them... does any of this babbling make sense?

So i always resort to reading when i can (3 minutes during bath, in the truck while everyone is asleep, and 3 am)... i love to read magazines, books, and now blogs. i love to read other agonizing mommy stories so that i may feel human again and perhaps not so alone and i love to read inspiring stories cuz they ignite my creativity and refuel my desire to be a memorable mommy. (my naked daughter just came to me asking for food... how bad is that? naked because we were playing with water outside earlier and she didn't want to be wet anymore and hungry because apparently i need to feed my kids.)

My absolute favorite magazine is "Wondertime" UGH! LOVE IT! and "Family Fun" and "Parenting" (No kidding Kienan just came to me with a 3 foot stick protruding from his short's pocket, his new "Boy's Only" book stuffed in the front of his shorts, and an alarm clock taken apart and repaired with massive amounts of yellow electrical tape. "This is my Video" was his explanation and now kiera is screaming awake from her whole 10 minute nap. This is what i am talking about.)

So as i was writing, i love to read and today we made a favorite trip to Barnes n Noble ( i get butterflies in my stomach when we pull in the parking lot- i am that excited to go to the bookstore). I was looking for some specific mommy books, but of course the ones i wanted were out of stock so Amazon here i come!

Anyways, if anyone has some favorite mommy books PLEASE SHARE! i would love to hear about them. I don't get out much and reading about mommy life, fiction or non, is a satisfactory social life for me. i rather enjoy it :)

I do have to end my blog now as kienan and mackenzie have come to me to display their marker body art. This is not coming off in the bath tonight! Kienan colored his chest and arms with brown and orange designs so that he could have a knife contest at school. WHAT!?!?!? and Mackenzie scribbled an assortment of colors on her forearms. No more blogging unless the children are in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. i would take a picture but i got sand in my precious camera last time we were at the beach so i need to send it in.

Little Boys 'n Little Treaures

I WROTE THIS BACK ON NOVEMBER 27, 2007. BUT I WANT TO HAVE ALL MY THOUGHTS IN ONE PLACE, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD POST THIS OLDIE BUT GOODIE :)


I came to the notion last week that I officially have earned my "mommy wings" (ya know, like pilot wings). Anyways, there have been other cues that I am really a mommy; the macaroni & cheese cuisine, sleeping half on half off the bed so I didn't disturb any one of the other 4 sleeping in my bed, wiping snotty noses with my own hands and then wiping it onto my own pants, hearing "MOMMY" orchestrated 15 times in 15 seconds, etc… But, nothing like this small series of laundry room events.

Last week, I heard a LOUD clanking noise coming from the dryer every time it spun around. I was sure that whatever the cause, it was going to leave large dent marks on the inside. Come to find an assortment of ordinary stones rattling around. Kienan's Explanation: "Mom, these are my treasures I found on our walk!" Right.

The next time I heard a VERY LOUD thunking noise (even louder than the first) coming from the dryer every time it spun around so I ran to see what I needed to fish out. I searched and searched the dryer and could not find the culprit. Until of course, I was folding the clothes and it was then I discovered a cell phone enwrapped in my son's shirt. Kienan's Explanation: "Oh mom, thanks. I have to call my work." Gotcha.

The last episode was not noisy, but a lil messy. As I was loading the clothes into the dryer from the washing machine, I noticed spots. Lots of spots on lots of my son's clothes. Spots that don't look pretty when the shirt is being worn. Of course, I couldn't find the cause. Not until I was folding laundry did I find the EMPTY chap stick tube. Empty because it had melted all over his clothes. No need for an explanation.

It was then my "mommy wings" appeared. I floated above the laundry room looking down envisioning myself finding an assortment of little boy treasures in his little pants pockets. Perhaps, an ink pen, a frog, empty snail shells, and maybe some day a folded up love letter from a girl. Whatever my future laundry room adventures may be, I'm glad to be a mommy of a curious, imaginative, little boy.

Autism

i struggled for a long time and wasn't sure how to handle the idea of kienan being diagnosed with autism a little over 3 years ago. i remember swallowing the lump in my throat as the lady revealed what i already knew in my own heart to be true. kyle was not able to be with me at the appointment. i remember feeling super lost and almost in a panic to read and find out as much as i could about autism. We went to a support group meeting the next week which reassured me that we weren't alone although i remember that i just wanted to keep it all to myself. Fortunately, being in the world of education i had some resources and some experience dealing with special needs kids. BUT, not a 2 year old with special needs. i talked to people, i read the scary stuff online and i began to tap into my own creative teacher mode.

Before all this happened i taught at a school that only used hands on learning. There were no textbooks and no worksheets. Just lots and lots of hands on experiences. i truly believe this was a time in my life to prepare me for kienan, to prepare me for the journey of motherhood.

At home i did all i could to bring everything to life. Kienan also started in home speech therapy twice a week with an AMAZING speech therapist. It was then that he never had said "mama" or "dada". He said "beh" for everything. He loved to line up his little hot wheels in various places of our little house. He never actually played with them, just lined them up. He never really played with anything. He liked to study things and of course he was a spinner. He would spin ANYTHING. He would stare out the car window mesmerized by the all the wheels on the road. Sometimes he had a hard time being inside his own body. Before he could sleep at night, he would roll back and forth in his toddler bed for sometimes up to an hour. He also was very, very sensitive to sounds. I remember one time at a fast food restaurant the hum of a soda machine was bothering him while having lunch. I hadn't even heard it until kienan pointed it out. Anything loud would cause him to panic and tremble with fear. But my boy was a lover and a snuggler. He could point to objects and wave and be sociable even though it was mostly with just me. (My saddest memory was picking him up from school when he was a toddler and he would always be playing by himself and never acknowledging the other kids. I felt like he was so lonely.... ugh... brings tears to my eyes as i type). So he was diagnosed as being on the "high end" of the spectrum.

We started therapy three times a week at CSUN. What an excellent program and great people. I had issues sometimes with his student speech therapists, but we made it. He graduated from the program with words and the ability to explore toys. What a gift to hear "mama" and to hear all the great things his little mind was thinking. i think perhaps that was my favorite part. For a very long time i felt that i was missing out on part of his life because i had no idea what was going on in that little mind of his. The other magical part was hearing him say "i love you" for the first time. i remember i was on the floor in the bedroom of the guest house. He stood up walked towards me and said, " i love you." Of course time stopped and i asked him to say it again, but he had already moved onto the next thing :)

We then moved to Santa Clarita and immediately i got him into the system and he began a "Fun For Fours" program in the public school system when he was only 3 years old (it was suppose to only be for 4 year olds). Research shows that the human brain develops most during the first five years of life. I felt the race against time. I never really shared kienan's autism with anyone as i still felt that i didn't have the strength to talk about it. i also struggled with the fear of people judging him before they even had a chance to get to know him. i feel like the general population is not educated about autism and therefore people don't know how to react or what to say. He was my precious son and i wanted to protect him from false judgements. We both learned so much about him that year of preschool and i began to see him blossom. He is a sponge, my son. He absorbs it all.

Kienan showed such great progress that it was difficult for him to qualify for services this past year. But i pushed for him to have one more year as i was racing time; his 5th birthday. With the support of a great lady she too supported my efforts and was able to get him one more year of services. This past year he once again attended another "Fun For Fours" program (now 4 years old). It was this year that he really matured socially. He made friends and played and created and grew.

What brings me to writing this post is that we just had his annual IEP. This is the meeting that determines if he has met his educational, social, developmental, etc.. goals over the past school year. They observed him in the classroom, gave him a variety of tests, and interviewed me. There were seven of us in the meeting including myself. Of course i listened to what they all had to say about their results, but for a brief moment i drifted into my own thoughts and realized i had been on this journey on my own. i realized that i could have asked for more emotional support, but i felt that i had to maintain strength for kienan. i realized that i could have asked for physical support when needing some of my own time-outs, but i felt that i had to be by kienan's side 100% of the time. i realized that i could have asked a few more questions, but for some reason i wanted kienan to think that i had all his answers. The worst part was that because i chose not to share this journey, i had very few people to share the miraculous news about his IEP. It was determined that kienan no longer shows any signs of autism!!!!! Once again i swallowed the lump in my throat as the words fell from the school psychologist's mouth. As a mother of an autistic child those words almost seem impossible to hear as there is no "cure" for autism. Of course i feel a relief for kienan that he will mainstream into a regular kindergarten next year. At the same time i almost have a feeling of guilt that my son came out ok and many others won't. So as i do with ALL incidences and experiences in my life i seek the purpose. I'm still not quite sure what my purpose in all of this was or is, but part of me feels the need to share our story to make others aware. Aware that autism is on the rise. Aware of the signs at an early age. Aware that early intervention is a MUST! Aware that everyone has a story.

And i would go through the past 5 years all over again with him because it made him who is he right now..... today.... he is one of my favorite people to be around. i get excited when he gets excited and i can't wait to share with him the new things that i learn. i am amazed at his imagination and creativity. i giggle when i find his dirty socks stashed behind a picture frame or the elaborate stories he tells. i feel warm when he hugs me and cry when he is sad. my life is meant to have him in it.

i hope that my insecurities and fears and pride no longer shelter my children to the point of others missing out on their greatness. Because.... they are really great!

As i tell kienan at night before he falls asleep, "i am so so very proud that God chose me to be your mommy. How lucky i am that he picked you for me." .... of course, i tell my girls the same ;)